No Body.

No Body.
Not today.
None that I want, anyway.
No connection
No stash of self-love
No self-compassion.
Just fear
Blind fear
The kind that makes you quake.

Fears are feelings.
Feelings aren’t facts.
That’s what they say.
Anyway…
I don’t subscribe to that.
Not in this state
Not in this tsunami
Not in this volcanic eruption
of fear.

I’m being encouraged to let go
of using intellect
of analyzing
of my brain.
I’m being encouraged to let in
feelings
body
other modes of expression.

Really?
Not.
Not now.
Not with the triggering that’s
erupted from its normal slow
smolder into a hot flow
of lava.
Overtaking
Overrunning
Overturning
my equilibrium.

No Body.
Not today.
Just me
The small me
The disquieted me.
The one for whom a body
means pain and
fear and
betrayal.

No Body.
Not today.
Maybe tomorrow.
We’ll see.

About armsakimbobook

I'm a mother, a lawyer, a feminist, a writer, a potter, and an inveterate and unapologetic New Yorker. My book, Arms Akimbo: A Journey of Healing, tells of my journey of healing over a number of years, learning to live a full life after I was molested by my father at a very young age. I live in Medford, MA, part time with my 11 year-old daughter and full time with our dog, Toast, and our cats, Samson and Hercules.
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2 Responses to No Body.

  1. Tricia Lynn says:

    Absolutely beautiful. This moved me. Well done.

  2. Thank you so much, Tricia Lynn. I am moved by your comment.

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