Hope Is Not a Four Letter Word

As you may be able to tell by now, I’m not always in despair; not a permanent resident of the dark side. Being able to move from darkness to light is what gives me hope, and keeps me going even in the hardest of times.

Here’s a glimpse into my process for moving from darkness into light. A very big part of moving, for me, includes God.  Not the God you learned about in religious school, or from your parents, or from reading the Bible, but a more consistently loving God.  So…here’s a poem I wrote recently, before the spring thaw made it to Boston.  It came to me during a Shabbat service, while I was praying.

God and Hope  Four letter word

These are dark days
literally, figuratively.
Winter’s doldrums
a political climate akin to a nuclear winter
     hatred, mistrust, rage
     oozing from our populace’s pores.
Hope has become a four letter word.

Over and over
in hard times
     trying times
     times of loss
     times of pain
     times of angst
I lose hope
misplace it
leave it in a safe place
that I promptly forget.
With hope’s loss
I lose God.

Over and over
I feel myself plummeting
free-falling
     out of control
     without hope
     without God
without desire for life
wishing it would end
feeling the need for peace
for quiet
for death.

And yet…
Over and over and over again
God comes back
breathing life into me anew.
I rediscover the power
the peace
the inner quiet
that God is, to me
that God means, to me
that God grants, to me.

Over and over and over again
I find God
and hope
     trailing close behind
     with light
     and laughter
     and love.
My desire to live is rekindled
God’s fire stoking it
God’s breath feeding it
hope no longer a four letter word.

About armsakimbobook

I'm a mother, a lawyer, a feminist, a writer, a potter, and an inveterate and unapologetic New Yorker. My book, Arms Akimbo: A Journey of Healing, tells of my journey of healing over a number of years, learning to live a full life after I was molested by my father at a very young age. I live in Medford, MA, part time with my 11 year-old daughter and full time with our dog, Toast, and our cats, Samson and Hercules.
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One Response to Hope Is Not a Four Letter Word

  1. DebS says:

    Beautiful!

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