The aftershocks of being molested as a young child can feel unending.They can come fast and furious, or wait for months before the ground again gives way in an earthquake of epic proportions. They hit hard, and I fall hard.
These days, though, I get up again pretty quickly. I have learned skills. I have done EMDR to create space between my PTSD and my adult self. The journey was hard. There were times – many times – that I thought I couldn’t make it. That I didn’t want to make it. That death was infinitely preferable. I’m so glad I don’t feel that way as powerfully as I used to.
Tonight’s post, again from my book, Arms Akimbo: A Journey of Healing, is not a poem, but the prologue to Part 3: Talking to the Parts:
IF I HAD TO PICK one turning point, one core moment, in my journey—one
that positioned me, as a compass does, in the right direction for the rest
of the trip—it would be when I first accessed the different parts of myself.
When I began to acknowledge and honor all that they had been through (I
had been through) in a direct way. I think healing truly began for me at this
stage. My therapists had always tried, in vain, to help me talk to these parts.
I wouldn’t do it—out of fear, shame, anxiety. When I finally was able to see
the little girl to whom all this happened, my heart melted, and I experienced
enormous compassion and empathy for her. The warrior part surfaced next—
roaring and protective of the terrified child. My warrior wouldn’t let me near
either of them. She was the part that protected me in some ways from further
damage, but in the process blocked my ability to heal. She and I had some
intense conversations over the course of my journey, as you will see. Being
in conversation with these parts allowed me to be in relation to them—to
understand that they were part, but not all, of me. That I could have multiple
feelings and coping strategies without having multiple personality disorder.
It was very freeing, and a powerful tool for moving forward. I have continued
to talk to my parts throughout the book, with a good deal of success.
More to come on the parts – tomorrow.