Today was a day of action, after a rocky start.
Recently, my days have been starting with inaction. Stopping before they start. Staying in bed, head buried in my pillow, willing myself not to move. These days, nothing feels better than something. Actions may speak louder than words, but to me, words screech in my head: “YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TO DO TO STAY IN BED. GET UP, YOU IDIOT! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? GET THE &#*@ OUT OF BED!!”
Not an auspicious beginning of the day. Week. Month.
Today was a little different. Yes, I stayed in bed for a while. My back has been hurting lately. I forgive myself. I’m kind to myself. Exhortation speaks louder than shrieks: “C’mon – you can do this. I know you can. There’s fresh iced tea downstairs, and the cats want company. You know how much better you’ll feel once you’re up and doing stuff. You’ll feel lighter. You’ll start singing again. You know you will.”
Today, I got out of bed and didn’t get back in at all. Progress. I hung out with the cats while I ate breakfast, and then got to work on the house. Lots to clear out. Lots to clean. Lots of work to get ready. To sell my house. To move. (No freaking out…not now.)
My house used to be a horrible mess. Stuff everywhere. I hated coming home. I hired an organizer – not just any organizer, mind you. The queen, supreme being of organizers. Susan Pinsky. I say her name with respect and more than a bit of awe. Susan is a sage. A force of nature. A gift from God. After a long time (and the best money I have ever spent), I was Organized.
My house was in order – I could find everything, because everything had a place. It was a place I wanted to come home to again.
More than just organizing my house, the work I did with Susan organized my brain. I could think more clearly, I could do my work more easily. I could also straighten out any room in 10 minutes. Susan taught me more than I have words to explain.
This summer, I had a very hard time. Depression and anxiety hit hard. My house suffered along with me. It cried as I cried, and we devolved together into the same addled, muddled state. As I began to emerge from my cocoon, I looked at my house and began to cry. It was a mess. All that work, and it was a mess.
Breathing helped. And exhortation. And reminding myself that I knew how to organize. One room at a time, one pile at a time. Each small victory feels large.
Today, I acted. Organized the front porch, the front hall, and the downstairs bathroom. Started on the dining room. I feel strong. I feel happy. I feel accomplished. I am smiling. I am singing. Today.
Once again, I’m participating in #blogElul, which I have followed for a few years. I’ve found it helpful as I ponder and reflect in the month before the High Holidays – Yamim Noraim. Check out some of the amazing themed posts geared around the work and joy of Elul – of introspection and reflection in the days leading to the High Holy Days (Organized by Ima Bima.) You can read prior year #blogElul posts via the Elul tag.