#BlogElul 3: Search

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For much of my life, I have searched. For reasons. For answers. For relief.

For a way out of this amorphous pain I felt. An unknown, and un-understood something.

I had no idea what. Or whether. Or why. I knew who. I thought.

I was right about the who. I found out the what. And the whether (yes). But the why?

Never the why.

Never a road to understanding.

I have searched.

My soul. My memory. My history. My “inner child” (who has a name, but I don’t speak it in public).

I have researched. Googled. Read. Looked for clues. For that elusive why.

Do you know what I found?

Sometimes, it doesn’t matter why. Sometimes, it just is.

All that searching. For what?

For an understanding that “why” doesn’t matter.

There is power in knowing.

There is greater power – and freedom – in turning away.

Not back. Not into the pain.

Forward. To a new search.

An “Advanced Search.”

For peace. Trust. Love. Never forget love.

Trust and love – in and for me.

Peace will come.

Not this Elul. Probably not.

But some Elul, or Tishri – during the Yamim Noraim.

Or during the Amidah, some Shabbat.

It will come.

I know.

Because I no longer care why.


Once again, I’m participating in #blogElul, which I have followed for a few years. I’ve found it helpful as I ponder and reflect in the month before the High Holidays – Yamim Noraim. Check out some of the amazing  themed posts geared around the work and joy of Elul – of introspection and reflection in the days leading to the High Holy Days (Organized by Ima Bima.) You can read prior years’ #blogElul posts via the Elul tag.

About armsakimbobook

I'm a mother, a lawyer, a feminist, a writer, a potter, and an inveterate and unapologetic New Yorker. My book, Arms Akimbo: A Journey of Healing, tells of my journey of healing over a number of years, learning to live a full life after I was molested by my father at a very young age. I live in Medford, MA, part time with my 11 year-old daughter and full time with our dog, Toast, and our cats, Samson and Hercules.
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